To believe in ART

This next cycle DH and I will be starting the process of ART. DH had to start with a SA to determine if there is anything holding us up on his end. I will be starting with Femara to lower my estrogen levels to delay my ovulation so that my Doc can then give me a injection of  Ovidrel that will force me to ovulate when he wants so we can time everything. I really feel that this new doctor is actively working towards getting us pregnant quickly vs just slowly waiting to see if its going to happen.  

I woke up covered in blood today. This is not a normal thing when my period starts. It's normally a small amount of blood that leads up to more even in the night. I truly feel that I am having an early miscaraige after spotting last week with the slight cramping that accompanied it. I don't know why it never works out for us. 

I dont know how to feel.  I have been cramping since yesterday and then i was spottinb then as well. I am 6 DPO and am trying not to think that this is what it feels for implantation. Its so hard not to think that that is what this is. I dont want to get my hopes up but its so hard not to when the timing is so right and the signs are there.

Cycle 25

That was a hard month... so much going on and not much of it good. Our house that we rent out needs a new furnace  the one there is on its last legs. We have decided thst  are going to put the one in our current house there and purchase a new one for us so that we get to benifit from it.
Its finnaly decided to be spring here, we spent the day yesterday out side working on fixing an erosion problem that we have on theside of our house. We added steps and a kinda retaining wall/raised plater bed. It was nice to work outside for a while. I had spent most of the weekend working on my sister-in-laws vail for her upcoming wedding.
Its been hard the last few days to get our minds off the fact that this last cycle has came and went. I had my own private pitty party on my drive home friday then we had one together friday night.. dh was pretty upset and dissipointed i think more so then i was...

Cycle 24

Cycle 24, two years worth of trying with not much to show. So far we have gone through five rounds of clomid with another five to go, many blood tests and urine analysis'. I've had a Laparoscopy with dye injection results were good no blockages everything inside looked good. Just a small bit of white sticky substance that was flushed with the dye. My doctor and I decided that our next step was to do another three months of clomid and the wait game. After that its off to someone new.

You know, I'm not sure why I torture myself like this with watching these movies about pregnancy and such. All it does is make it hurt worse. But I keep doing it and it just keeps getting worse.

Surgery

I had my Laparoscopy yesterday everything went well my doctor found what was described to me as a sticky substance in my right tube that was flushed out with the dye injection. Other then that everything else looked good I was told. I have a follow up apt in a week and a half to go over things and to discus what's next. I wonder if the substance that was found is why I had cramping with ovulation on the right side. I really hope that this surgery helps us get pregnant. Other wise I'm not really ready to go see a specialist that might not be covered by our insurance.
I forgot to mention that I did eventually get my last period on the 26th of February. It was a normal one for me unlike my last one. I should also ovulate in the next day or two but I don't think we will be able to take advantage of this cycle because of the surgery and the fact that DH is sick with a nasty cold.

Laparoscopy

Today I had my follow up appointment for my three months of clomid. We determined that the clomid didn't work the way we had hoped it would I had another BFN while I was there. I am also three days late. We discussed our next options while at this appointment. Which is to do a HSG or a Laparoscopy or go see a specialist in Grand Rapids. I chose to do the Laparoscopy first then go to the specialist. I'm disappointed that the clomid didn't work DH is so disappointed. It's so rough seeing his face fall when I tell him each month that we're not pregnant.

cycle 22 i guess

I guess we are playing what I felt as spotting as what was AF. We are starting cycle 22 round 5 of Clomid. Yesterday was so disappointing. I took a test with a BFN and then realized that it was about to expire and was an off brand, so DH and I braved the snowy weather and went to town to purchase another box of tests. This box had a month more before expiration but was a name brand, still a BFN. So I went with the direction of my Doc and started my next and last round of Clomid. If that was AF that came last week we shall see by the end of the month as the next round of AF should arrive two days before my next Doctors apt. No clue as to what happens next but I don't think I can handle seeing DH's face at the end of the month if we have another failed cycle, he was just so sad and disappointed yesterday...

is this it??

Not sure if the time has come that we have both been waiting for. AF was due on Monday and Monday came and went as did Tuesday. Wednesday I woke to some almost light bleeding and light cramping but by Wednesday evening all was gone. Thursday morning came with with nothing in sight so I decided to take a HPT which resulted with a BFN. By early afternoon there was some very, very light bleeding and slight cramps and they were gone by early evening. My cycles have NEVER been like this, none of this start and stopping or being so light. Could this all be implantation bleeding? I had always read it happens earlier then latter. No clue here.
Thursday I just so happened to be in the same building as my Doc so I decided to give a ring and see what he wanted me to do.  I wasn't sure at this point whether to refill my next round of Clomid or to just wait it out and re test in a week or so. He said to test again in three days and to give him a call if I got a BFP or to resume with the Clomid then if there was a BFN. So Far today I haven't had any hint of bleeding or spotting but its still earlyish.
I have had some early pregnancy symptoms but none that are the most common. I have been overly tired the last week or so and have had non stop heart burn for what feels like forever and I'm hungry, like all the time.

to feel better

Today I decided that I wanted to start making my life better. For me, for my husband and for my future children. DH has been going to his offices fitness center three times a week for the past month or so and I have just started to notice some changes in him. Changes that I want for my self, that I need for myself. Since being laid off, I have resorted to being the house wife again and I want to do more with my time off then just job search and sit on the couch. Today I did a 20 minute Zumba like workout and it felt good to feel that burn. That was the first time in about a year that I have done any type of workout.

2 week wait

Another two week wait is under way and DH wants nothing to do with it. He was telling me last night while lying in each others arms "I don't want to wait, take the test now". Some times I feel as if I already have a child in him. He will be a wonderful dad some day, I just hope its sooner rather then latter.  I am 2DPO and can hardly contain my angst in wanting these two weeks to over with so we will know. The past few days have just been hell. I haven't been sleeping well and have had horrible acid reflex. I'm taking them as a sign that these next two weeks are going to be just fun.

cycle 21

Today has been possibly the worst day I've had in a long time. It starts out with my boss telling me that he's going to be laying me off come Monday for a few months. Which I am pretty sure is more of a permanent one then temporary.  I did really good and didn't cry when he told me, and was able to go until the end of the day with out tears. I even went without them when my period came. But when my husband called and told me that he is also temporarily laid off until his company can get their budget worked out I lost it. I couldn't keep it together anymore. I was bawling on my drive home from work. I still can't wrap my head around today. Funny thing, we just spent $650 to put a floor in our house (we currently have unfinished cement), and the money was cash that we received for Christmas gifts and some that we had saved for.  We are also currently having to save to replace our roof because we had a tree fall on it the other week. Everything that has been happening is masking the deep hurt and sadness that is radiating through my body over this cycle.

Cycle 20

I was a bit surprised when my period arrived today. I have had severe breast tenderness and sensitivity for about the past three weeks ever since I ovulated. I just had this feeling that I was going to get a BFP. But alas it was a BFN this morning when I took a test thinking that I was. I was going to have the best Christmas, well anything is better then last Christmas. I had the flu on Christmas and then was two weeks late and very grumpy. I guess I just have to wait for another new year to come around and maybe this will be our year..

I finally had my follow up doctors appointment this week. Not to much went on, we talked briefly about how the last two cycles went. How this is a new "job" the DH and I and we need to make this our top priority during as DH calls it "my egg drop".  You see my doctor basically told me that we wasted this cycle because I was down state with family bridesmaid dress shopping and DH was home hunting during the "egg drop".  Getting pregnant is our top priority but if we are not each other for a few days and that happens to be at the "egg drop" then so be it.
My doctor is having us do three more rounds of Clomid. He has tasked me with documenting everything on paper verse my phone.. When I bleed, take the clomid, have sex, what cervical mucus i have each day, and what I am feeling throughout each cycle.

Cycle 19

Round two is gone and done. As of right now I will not be doing a third round until after I have my next appointment which isn't until the 26th of this month. I really picked up on the fact that I have gotten some bad cramping with taking the Clomid as well as hot flashes and some mood swings. It was a real disappointment this month again.

cycle 18

The first round of clomid didn't work. I can't say I'm not disappointed because I am. Not nearly as much as DH is I'm sure. He has been asking me every day since the "egg drop" as he likes the call it, when we can find out if the clomid helped and we are pregnant. And every day it made me smile and made me hope inside that it could happen this month.
I have this feeling that for as much as we want this pregnancy I am going to suffer and have a horrible pregnancy when it happens.. Nothing like my sisters or any of my friends, I will just be miserable the whole time. DH and I recently watched What to expect when expecting, I feel I will be more like Elizabeth Banks character then her mother in laws.

..

I am writing yet again to complain about another close friend that has recently reviled that they are expecting again. Just as their first little one turns one they are pregnant again. If there are those of you who are going through what DH and I are then you may know the bitterness we are feeling yet again. And if you aren’t going through what we are then please keep your comments to your self.

DH and I are through round one on clomid. We were luck (yes I said we) that I only had some hot flashes and a couple small mood swings. DH might tell you a little differently when it came to the mood swings. I felt there was only one real big one and he was the root cause of it. Not sure if we are out of the clear yet or if symptoms continue throughout the month or only last as long as you are taking the pills. I guess this is where I would pause and actually research my question and then come back and rephrase that. Seeing how I am sitting at home where we currently only had the gas and electric hooked up that’s not going to happen until I manage to go some place with wifi. Until then I am stuck wondering and typing in word until I can get my fix in.

Cycle 17

We got the results of DH’s sample back this week it also came with a bit of embarrassment.

When he went to drop the sample off at the lab for analysis he ends up waiting for over an hour then comes to find out that they don’t do analysis’ there anymore. I don’t know how many “we are so sorry” he had to sit through, but he was just a tad frustrated. I ended up calling my doctors office about it and was treated to another large round of “we are so sorry” but that they sill wanted me to come in latter that week for my appointment.

At the appointment come to find out they were able to do the “test” that he wanted. Which was to just find out if there were viable sperm not to give a full analysis. And the news is… good. Since finding out that DH’s surgery worked, my doctor decided to go ahead and do some blood work on me. I was also lucky enough to have started my cycle that morning so my doctor also wanted to not waste this cycle and started me on my first of two rounds of clomed. And to go back in, in two months if I wasn’t pregnant and the clomed didn’t help.

It really seems like it’s going so fast right now with starting the clomed. Just my second appointment with him and we haven’t even really discussed treatments or drugs yet. Its what I wanted. To either find out something was wrong and try to get/have it fixed or to get a jump-start like this. 

Hopefully cycle 17 or 18 turn out to be lucky.

infertal?

 

So I had my first appointment with my OB about our possible infertility. It went as I had expected it to go and better. I was a little nervous about seeing a male doctor. Okay let me rephrase that, I was VERY nervous about seeing a male doctor. I haven’t seen a male doctor since I was in grade school; I’ve gone to a female doctor ever since I started having a yearly exam. He did a good job at making me feel comfortable talking with him and once I was about to talk freely with out feeling emotional I felt better about having him as my doctor.

So after getting my medical history and talking about the possibility that I could have PCOS we also got to talking about DH’s possible problem. When he was younger, he had surgery to correct a varicose vein blood flow problem with his “boys” (they were getting to much blood). My doctor concluded that the first step is to get a sperm sample to see if the surgery worked and he has viable sperm. If the sample is good and there aren’t problems there then we get to look into if I do have PCOS or some other underlying condition.

I think DH is not going to be very happy with me when I tell him that he has to abstain from sex or relieving himself for 48 full hours before giving a sample. He is currently off bear hunting and won’t be home until Tuesday and I told the doctor that he would give a sample for Wednesday morning. At least we will know by Thursday the results.

Cycle 16

So it seems we are back to this point again. Back where we were last month and the so on.  DH and I had our Doc. apts and they went as well as any new doctor apts could go. The only good thing that came from it was a referral to a OB for possible infertility. I have an apt mid September. Maybe questions will get answered.