To believe in ART

This next cycle DH and I will be starting the process of ART. DH had to start with a SA to determine if there is anything holding us up on his end. I will be starting with Femara to lower my estrogen levels to delay my ovulation so that my Doc can then give me a injection of  Ovidrel that will force me to ovulate when he wants so we can time everything. I really feel that this new doctor is actively working towards getting us pregnant quickly vs just slowly waiting to see if its going to happen.  

I woke up covered in blood today. This is not a normal thing when my period starts. It's normally a small amount of blood that leads up to more even in the night. I truly feel that I am having an early miscaraige after spotting last week with the slight cramping that accompanied it. I don't know why it never works out for us. 

I dont know how to feel.  I have been cramping since yesterday and then i was spottinb then as well. I am 6 DPO and am trying not to think that this is what it feels for implantation. Its so hard not to think that that is what this is. I dont want to get my hopes up but its so hard not to when the timing is so right and the signs are there.

Cycle 25

That was a hard month... so much going on and not much of it good. Our house that we rent out needs a new furnace  the one there is on its last legs. We have decided thst  are going to put the one in our current house there and purchase a new one for us so that we get to benifit from it.
Its finnaly decided to be spring here, we spent the day yesterday out side working on fixing an erosion problem that we have on theside of our house. We added steps and a kinda retaining wall/raised plater bed. It was nice to work outside for a while. I had spent most of the weekend working on my sister-in-laws vail for her upcoming wedding.
Its been hard the last few days to get our minds off the fact that this last cycle has came and went. I had my own private pitty party on my drive home friday then we had one together friday night.. dh was pretty upset and dissipointed i think more so then i was...

Cycle 24

Cycle 24, two years worth of trying with not much to show. So far we have gone through five rounds of clomid with another five to go, many blood tests and urine analysis'. I've had a Laparoscopy with dye injection results were good no blockages everything inside looked good. Just a small bit of white sticky substance that was flushed with the dye. My doctor and I decided that our next step was to do another three months of clomid and the wait game. After that its off to someone new.

You know, I'm not sure why I torture myself like this with watching these movies about pregnancy and such. All it does is make it hurt worse. But I keep doing it and it just keeps getting worse.

Surgery

I had my Laparoscopy yesterday everything went well my doctor found what was described to me as a sticky substance in my right tube that was flushed out with the dye injection. Other then that everything else looked good I was told. I have a follow up apt in a week and a half to go over things and to discus what's next. I wonder if the substance that was found is why I had cramping with ovulation on the right side. I really hope that this surgery helps us get pregnant. Other wise I'm not really ready to go see a specialist that might not be covered by our insurance.
I forgot to mention that I did eventually get my last period on the 26th of February. It was a normal one for me unlike my last one. I should also ovulate in the next day or two but I don't think we will be able to take advantage of this cycle because of the surgery and the fact that DH is sick with a nasty cold.

Laparoscopy

Today I had my follow up appointment for my three months of clomid. We determined that the clomid didn't work the way we had hoped it would I had another BFN while I was there. I am also three days late. We discussed our next options while at this appointment. Which is to do a HSG or a Laparoscopy or go see a specialist in Grand Rapids. I chose to do the Laparoscopy first then go to the specialist. I'm disappointed that the clomid didn't work DH is so disappointed. It's so rough seeing his face fall when I tell him each month that we're not pregnant.

cycle 22 i guess

I guess we are playing what I felt as spotting as what was AF. We are starting cycle 22 round 5 of Clomid. Yesterday was so disappointing. I took a test with a BFN and then realized that it was about to expire and was an off brand, so DH and I braved the snowy weather and went to town to purchase another box of tests. This box had a month more before expiration but was a name brand, still a BFN. So I went with the direction of my Doc and started my next and last round of Clomid. If that was AF that came last week we shall see by the end of the month as the next round of AF should arrive two days before my next Doctors apt. No clue as to what happens next but I don't think I can handle seeing DH's face at the end of the month if we have another failed cycle, he was just so sad and disappointed yesterday...

is this it??

Not sure if the time has come that we have both been waiting for. AF was due on Monday and Monday came and went as did Tuesday. Wednesday I woke to some almost light bleeding and light cramping but by Wednesday evening all was gone. Thursday morning came with with nothing in sight so I decided to take a HPT which resulted with a BFN. By early afternoon there was some very, very light bleeding and slight cramps and they were gone by early evening. My cycles have NEVER been like this, none of this start and stopping or being so light. Could this all be implantation bleeding? I had always read it happens earlier then latter. No clue here.
Thursday I just so happened to be in the same building as my Doc so I decided to give a ring and see what he wanted me to do.  I wasn't sure at this point whether to refill my next round of Clomid or to just wait it out and re test in a week or so. He said to test again in three days and to give him a call if I got a BFP or to resume with the Clomid then if there was a BFN. So Far today I haven't had any hint of bleeding or spotting but its still earlyish.
I have had some early pregnancy symptoms but none that are the most common. I have been overly tired the last week or so and have had non stop heart burn for what feels like forever and I'm hungry, like all the time.

to feel better

Today I decided that I wanted to start making my life better. For me, for my husband and for my future children. DH has been going to his offices fitness center three times a week for the past month or so and I have just started to notice some changes in him. Changes that I want for my self, that I need for myself. Since being laid off, I have resorted to being the house wife again and I want to do more with my time off then just job search and sit on the couch. Today I did a 20 minute Zumba like workout and it felt good to feel that burn. That was the first time in about a year that I have done any type of workout.

2 week wait

Another two week wait is under way and DH wants nothing to do with it. He was telling me last night while lying in each others arms "I don't want to wait, take the test now". Some times I feel as if I already have a child in him. He will be a wonderful dad some day, I just hope its sooner rather then latter.  I am 2DPO and can hardly contain my angst in wanting these two weeks to over with so we will know. The past few days have just been hell. I haven't been sleeping well and have had horrible acid reflex. I'm taking them as a sign that these next two weeks are going to be just fun.

cycle 21

Today has been possibly the worst day I've had in a long time. It starts out with my boss telling me that he's going to be laying me off come Monday for a few months. Which I am pretty sure is more of a permanent one then temporary.  I did really good and didn't cry when he told me, and was able to go until the end of the day with out tears. I even went without them when my period came. But when my husband called and told me that he is also temporarily laid off until his company can get their budget worked out I lost it. I couldn't keep it together anymore. I was bawling on my drive home from work. I still can't wrap my head around today. Funny thing, we just spent $650 to put a floor in our house (we currently have unfinished cement), and the money was cash that we received for Christmas gifts and some that we had saved for.  We are also currently having to save to replace our roof because we had a tree fall on it the other week. Everything that has been happening is masking the deep hurt and sadness that is radiating through my body over this cycle.