Cycle 20

I was a bit surprised when my period arrived today. I have had severe breast tenderness and sensitivity for about the past three weeks ever since I ovulated. I just had this feeling that I was going to get a BFP. But alas it was a BFN this morning when I took a test thinking that I was. I was going to have the best Christmas, well anything is better then last Christmas. I had the flu on Christmas and then was two weeks late and very grumpy. I guess I just have to wait for another new year to come around and maybe this will be our year..

I finally had my follow up doctors appointment this week. Not to much went on, we talked briefly about how the last two cycles went. How this is a new "job" the DH and I and we need to make this our top priority during as DH calls it "my egg drop".  You see my doctor basically told me that we wasted this cycle because I was down state with family bridesmaid dress shopping and DH was home hunting during the "egg drop".  Getting pregnant is our top priority but if we are not each other for a few days and that happens to be at the "egg drop" then so be it.
My doctor is having us do three more rounds of Clomid. He has tasked me with documenting everything on paper verse my phone.. When I bleed, take the clomid, have sex, what cervical mucus i have each day, and what I am feeling throughout each cycle.

Cycle 19

Round two is gone and done. As of right now I will not be doing a third round until after I have my next appointment which isn't until the 26th of this month. I really picked up on the fact that I have gotten some bad cramping with taking the Clomid as well as hot flashes and some mood swings. It was a real disappointment this month again.

cycle 18

The first round of clomid didn't work. I can't say I'm not disappointed because I am. Not nearly as much as DH is I'm sure. He has been asking me every day since the "egg drop" as he likes the call it, when we can find out if the clomid helped and we are pregnant. And every day it made me smile and made me hope inside that it could happen this month.
I have this feeling that for as much as we want this pregnancy I am going to suffer and have a horrible pregnancy when it happens.. Nothing like my sisters or any of my friends, I will just be miserable the whole time. DH and I recently watched What to expect when expecting, I feel I will be more like Elizabeth Banks character then her mother in laws.

..

I am writing yet again to complain about another close friend that has recently reviled that they are expecting again. Just as their first little one turns one they are pregnant again. If there are those of you who are going through what DH and I are then you may know the bitterness we are feeling yet again. And if you aren’t going through what we are then please keep your comments to your self.

DH and I are through round one on clomid. We were luck (yes I said we) that I only had some hot flashes and a couple small mood swings. DH might tell you a little differently when it came to the mood swings. I felt there was only one real big one and he was the root cause of it. Not sure if we are out of the clear yet or if symptoms continue throughout the month or only last as long as you are taking the pills. I guess this is where I would pause and actually research my question and then come back and rephrase that. Seeing how I am sitting at home where we currently only had the gas and electric hooked up that’s not going to happen until I manage to go some place with wifi. Until then I am stuck wondering and typing in word until I can get my fix in.

Cycle 17

We got the results of DH’s sample back this week it also came with a bit of embarrassment.

When he went to drop the sample off at the lab for analysis he ends up waiting for over an hour then comes to find out that they don’t do analysis’ there anymore. I don’t know how many “we are so sorry” he had to sit through, but he was just a tad frustrated. I ended up calling my doctors office about it and was treated to another large round of “we are so sorry” but that they sill wanted me to come in latter that week for my appointment.

At the appointment come to find out they were able to do the “test” that he wanted. Which was to just find out if there were viable sperm not to give a full analysis. And the news is… good. Since finding out that DH’s surgery worked, my doctor decided to go ahead and do some blood work on me. I was also lucky enough to have started my cycle that morning so my doctor also wanted to not waste this cycle and started me on my first of two rounds of clomed. And to go back in, in two months if I wasn’t pregnant and the clomed didn’t help.

It really seems like it’s going so fast right now with starting the clomed. Just my second appointment with him and we haven’t even really discussed treatments or drugs yet. Its what I wanted. To either find out something was wrong and try to get/have it fixed or to get a jump-start like this. 

Hopefully cycle 17 or 18 turn out to be lucky.

infertal?

 

So I had my first appointment with my OB about our possible infertility. It went as I had expected it to go and better. I was a little nervous about seeing a male doctor. Okay let me rephrase that, I was VERY nervous about seeing a male doctor. I haven’t seen a male doctor since I was in grade school; I’ve gone to a female doctor ever since I started having a yearly exam. He did a good job at making me feel comfortable talking with him and once I was about to talk freely with out feeling emotional I felt better about having him as my doctor.

So after getting my medical history and talking about the possibility that I could have PCOS we also got to talking about DH’s possible problem. When he was younger, he had surgery to correct a varicose vein blood flow problem with his “boys” (they were getting to much blood). My doctor concluded that the first step is to get a sperm sample to see if the surgery worked and he has viable sperm. If the sample is good and there aren’t problems there then we get to look into if I do have PCOS or some other underlying condition.

I think DH is not going to be very happy with me when I tell him that he has to abstain from sex or relieving himself for 48 full hours before giving a sample. He is currently off bear hunting and won’t be home until Tuesday and I told the doctor that he would give a sample for Wednesday morning. At least we will know by Thursday the results.

Cycle 16

So it seems we are back to this point again. Back where we were last month and the so on.  DH and I had our Doc. apts and they went as well as any new doctor apts could go. The only good thing that came from it was a referral to a OB for possible infertility. I have an apt mid September. Maybe questions will get answered.

a little depressed

DH and I are an aunt and uncle again today. Should be over joyed about the new arrival, but for some reason I'm just not feeling it. When we talked this morning after we each got a text with a photo, I could tell he felt the same way. I just don't know what to do with these feelings right now or what I am going to do tomorrow when I am supposed to being going to visit for my Dads birthday party. I should and want to feel happy for them, I just feel bitter and sad.

Cycle 15

Its that time again.. AF arrived yesterday evening as per her now seems normal arrival with full on cramps, bloating and soar BB. She also arrived without any disappointment.  I knew she would arrive because you well have to have sex to get a BFP.. and well I was unable to get any until this past weekend when I saw DH for the first time in three weeks! It was a real nice and romantic 24 hours in a hotel where we really didn't emerge from our room except to have dinner and drinks with a friend. From where I am sitting right now I do believe this will be the case for my next cycle as well. I am still stuck in the middle of nowhere for another three more weeks. Don't get me wrong I love it up here, the only thing that would make me not ever want to leave is if DH was here with me. I guess the only thing I am looking forward to besides sex is the doctors appointment I have in late august. Maybe then we can start getting things figured out with DH and I.. until next month.

m.

Cycle 14

Its killing me today.. I have not felt this awful from cramps in months if not ever. Why am I forced  to go through this month after month. Can't we just get along and conceive a child already? I mean its one thing to make my breast sore for the whole week before I get my period, but to have mind numbing craps to go with it? Come on!
Other news, I leave for six weeks today.. Looks like I get to feel this way again in another four or so weeks.

Cycle 13

One full year has come and gone as we have been TTC. This last cycle was as confusing as every other one, but what else should I expect..  We are still technically homeless. But come July/August we have a new home with tons of new projects. I am at least now staying where my husband is at and we are no longer "separated" by distance. I have been up with him for the past three weeks and it has been bliss.

Cycle 12

My husband and I have been homeless now for a whole month, we also had a whole cycle go by with a big fat nothing too. DH and I were talking this weekend during one or our many 4+ hour drives over the weekend and the "baby" topic came up. At the end of may marks our one year anniversary of TTC. It is also and anniversary of a a very difficult year. I never truly realized that it was that bad when is was happening. There was always something that covered up the disappointment, the sadness, and the difficult times.
As I look forward to what there is to come, I can't see a pregnancy out there for us until at least September. DH and I are not living together yet because our feline friends are not adjusting well to living with my in-laws felines; which in turn leaves me living with them. (Don't get me wrong I love living with them, and am blessed to have such a wonderful mother and father-in-law, BUT I really want to be living with my husband.) I may be able to move up to where DH is staying hopefully by the end of the month and then at the end of June if I have not found a new job, I will be going back to work at a Summer Camp to volunteer my time again. Then there goes another two months because the summer camp is 6.5 hours away for DH and I am only allotted 24 hours of consecutive off time and the drive is so not worth it when I have to be back by 10 am.
I was able to see my sister and nephew last week, it was so hard to be around her. She's 21 weeks and all I want to do is cry when I see her belly. That hurt feeling isn't so bad when I look at my nephew, I love him to much to feel that way.

Cycle 11

I never thought it would take this long when my husband and I started TTC. I expected that maybe it would take up to six months, but not a year... or more. I at the point where I'm not expecting anything, I'm just going with it. We aren't living together right now because we don't have a new place yet, and when we do manage to get together its like Christmas or Thanksgiving around because we are forever around various family members because we are each living with some. I really wish life wasn't so stressful and that it could be easy like it was for my sister and brother-in-law. They are due in August with their second (their first is just a year), and it was a first times a charm with them.

Life just seems to be kicking us in the but every month.

Such a cruel joke Cycle 10

I'm not sure as to what to say about this past cycle or the fact that I no longer feel like I am having regular periods. This past cycle was 39 days and I was sure I was pregnant, I had all of these symptoms and feelings that coincided with where I was at time wise. The only thing missing was the BFP, instead I got my period.
I guess I get to look forward to going to talk to my Doctor in a little more then a month about finding out if there is something wrong with me or if DH has something going on.  This is now possible because my DH got a new JOB! Its going to interfere with the baby making because the job is four hours away and living with his Grandma. I am staying in our house until we can figure out what we are going to to do. We can't move until we have either sold or rented the place and cant rent or buy until we have some one lined up for ours. Which leaves us separated for a while because someone has to stay at our house with the dog and cats.  Also with this new job comes an excellent benefits package that should help put things into motion.

No sex for Valentines day? WHAT!

So DH has determined that for the next couple of months we are just not going to have sex. Why you might add? It all comes down to one of his cousins who was born opening day of deer season. His uncle jokenly tells us "don't have baby making sex on Valentines day! It ends up with a phone call opener day about your wife is in labor!" SO he thinks that for the rest of the month and the next couple we aren't having sex. I have to burst his bubble but I think he's crazy. No matter when we get pregnant and are due, there is no matter what going to be a baby some day when its any season opener. He hunts or fishes in just about every season. I don't think there is anything that he hasn't gone out and done. He's going to complain one way or another until it actually happens.

The pains of being a hunters wife...

Cycle 9

Cycle nine came exactly when expected and was expected. The past month has been full of frustration and longing. DH and I's one and only bathroom "decided" it needed a re-model. The sink stopped draining and the plumber couldn't figure it out and gave us a couple options. A new kitchen ceiling (no kitchen for who knew how long) or bath re-model because the floor had to come up! Well after two weeks with an interesting floor, we now have a new sub floor and a working sink and were only with out the bathroom for a day. The new floor should get instaled with in the next week or two, just waiting on some help. We bought a tongue and groove solid bamboo floor, we have everything else picked out thats going in but we have to wait until some funds find their way to us.
Our nephew turned one this month and we were able to spend some quality time with the little guy. We also got to see a child hood friends four week old little girl. She is the tiniest thing I have ever held. I felt such longing while holding her. It was the first time I have experienced that feeling while being front and center around my friends and family. I had a hard time concealing  all of the emotion that was welling up. I could tell DH was experiencing the same feelings as he held the new born as well.
 For cycle 10 I've decided to start temping in conjunction with checking CM. I think its time to start focusing more on what my body is telling me verses just going with it kinda like we have been. I keep having this feeling like its going to take a long time for us to get what we want and it only gets worse as the calender counts down the days until DH's job comes to an end (it's grant based).  There seems to always be something that is putting us down lately.

Chemical Pregnacy, Miscarriage?

I'm not sure really whats going on, AF arrived this morning. I had some light cramping last night as I went to bed but nothing I was worried about, I just assumed it was stomach cramps vs. AF cramps. Today though, its defiantly from AF.
Could I have been pregnant? Yes and no. I had yet to get a BFP, I was going to test tomorrow as it would be a full five weeks since my last period. I'm thinking though that I am have a miscarriage of a chemical pregnancy. Only so because I normally never have cramping and AF didn't start out like normal with a small bit of spotting followed by a 12 hour wait. I've had constant cramping since waking accompanied by heavy bleeding (for me).

Cycle 9 will be better